Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sunday
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
New menu item
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.