guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
I’ve been drinking.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Leaving the Barbers like