Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
💻🤡
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”