[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.