Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Muppet Screams
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*