Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
That’s fair
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.