her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
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Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
How dude HOW?!
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.