My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s