How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”