Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Weirdos gonna weird.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
being a writer on Twitter:
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”