If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing