Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?