Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie