Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
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My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.