Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
You Might Also Like
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Feels
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?