Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.