Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho