[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You Might Also Like
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
You have been warned.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.