*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”