This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.