My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
You Might Also Like
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.