It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
You Might Also Like
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Nice try, NASA
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂