Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
the three branches of government
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
OH. COME. ON.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.