My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
From my Mom
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.