when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.