War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Breaking news:
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system