If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
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I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back