in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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They got a point!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.