Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.