Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.