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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I want what they have
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.