Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
🤣🤣🤣
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.