People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You Might Also Like
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.