I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.