My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
How actors in movies eat their food
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP