remember
only for emergencies
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows