Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
#DesignFail
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Stick it to the man
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.