the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I hate my earbuds.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
This 4th of July, please remember…
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet