Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
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I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Shoo shoo! 😂
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better