Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Birds & Planes.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”