My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
You Might Also Like
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes