How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
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“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.