7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
he chose this
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully