My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store