Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter