Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
There are no pants in heaven.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.