If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
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A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”