Tastes like chicken.
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.