Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure