“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles